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[headjacked]

Heyyyyyyyy, kiddo, you've reached me. Me who is Rhys. Anyway, not sure why you're trying to get in contact with the king of the dweebs, but I'm sure you've got your reasons. Reasons you should probably re-examine. I'm just sayin'.

Last chance to back out.

No?

Don't say I didn't warn ya.

Comments

[headjacked]

Oh, I-I didn’t really... get that far with my thought progress, I just. Wanted you to feel better regardless.

[ Rhys laughs nervously, still a half-wreck himself. He presses the ice bottle against his own cheek, breathing deeply again. ]

But I’m still sure. I have new nightmare fuel, but that’s all it is.

[bookofnope]

Maybe you didn't think about it, but still... you did it. [Beckett is of the opinion that Rhys often doesn't realize how brave he is to do something until after he's done it.

His breathing is a little steadier now. He coughs and clears his throat, rubs his face. Chasing down calm bit by bit.] It... could have happened. I only realize now, how close I'd been back then...

[headjacked]

Could have. Didn’t. Won’t. That was - would’ve been a set of very special circumstances.

[ It’s not every day you have your past and identity shredded and burned before your eyes. Cautiously, Rhys pulls back, though he’s ready to steady Beckett again if need be. ]

So... we just avoid m...m-majorly pissing you off, and everything’s gravy.

[bookofnope]

[Majorly pissing him off is an understatement, and Beckett is sure Rhys knows that, but it doesn't make him much easier. Just the fact that there had been a line, anything that had swept away his reason, his loyalty to that extent...]

All of Norfinbury is a special goddamn circumstance. [It's not comforting. He doesn't want to scare Rhys - God knows how much he doesn't - but this is Beckett. He doesn't sugarcoat.] Bloody hell, and you've just begun to mend things with Enoch, haven't you.

[headjacked]

[ He does know, of course. It's just Rhys being Rhys, trying to keep it as light as he can. ]

I wouldn't say 'just begun', we're -- we hang out! And that's -- that was different. Felt... different.

Plus... in the years and years and YEARS you've been around, how many times have you actually lost control like that?

[bookofnope]

[It was different, with Enoch, but not in a good way, Beckett thinks. Brainwashing passes. The Beast is around to stay. He is absolutely not spoiling Rhys's optimism with that tidbit, though.]

More than I'm sure you think. [He's not here to sugarcoat, though, either. He tips his sunglasses down a little, showing a flash of the dull red of his eyes.] It's how I got this. A Clan weakness. But... most, if not all companions I used to travel with were considerably more dangerous than even me.

[headjacked]

Even if it was, Iunno, twenty times, in the span of hundreds of years that's not a whole hell of a lot. Like. A .000... 0... many zeros point one percent of the time.

[ If Beckett won't break out the sugar, Rhys well. Though there's logic in the sweetness. A stubborn sort. ]

...but I get it, none of what I'm saying is going to make you feel completely okay. I wish I was that good of a motivational speaker.

[bookofnope]

I don't want you to make me feel okay. [He wants this not to have happened, which is bizarre because it actually didn't. He thinks. He's taking Rhys's word for it. It is a greater display of trust than he can quite explain.]

How do you know it feels wrong? What - what's the difference?
Perhaps I can see... [Of course he still wants the evidence of his own mind. He always, always does. But he is more than willing to let Rhys guide him.]

[headjacked]

Call it a... gut feeling. No, more than that. Hard to describe, but I just know. It doesn't make as much sense, con-contextually.

[ A little more manly then ~I feel it in my heart~, he thinks. Though that is also true. ]

Which, I know, isn't the most reassuring thing in the world, and you're all about definite, absolute proof. With me, I've long since realized that there's... there's always gonna be this uncertainty, this 'what-if'. What if I go bugnuts and rip someone's guts out again? What if we... end up back in cages?

[ Very viseral discomfort, building and building, until he steels his voice and squares his shoulders. ]

You just can't lose yourself in that spiral, or the bad guys win.

[bookofnope]

[Beckett tries and succeeds in not making a face at 'just know'. It's not his favourite expression, but he's heard it plenty of times, and had cause to accept it often enough. Sometimes instinct just can't come out any other way.]

I am with you on that. Sometimes surely you have to simply go ahead and forge on. Though it's by thinking about the what-ifs that you prepare for them, as much as you can...

[He sees the stiffening in Rhys's pose, and holds it there.]

I hadn't realized you were still so worried about that - about "going bugnuts" again.

[headjacked]

Oh, I am, I-- I worry about a whole hell of a lot, since every day here is like... like rolling the dice.



That's... depressing, sorry, I'm being depressing. Super unhelpful.

[ His chin quivers, just a bit. ]

I'm no Angel, am I. Maybe you should talk to her. You. Probably should. Definitely.

[bookofnope]

[It is pretty depressing, but it's also something familiar, something he can understand and work through. It's certainly easier than the thought of talking to Angel about this.

So, let's just, conveniently not hear that part for now.]

It is what it is. You learn both sides of it in time. Control... and to move on from losing control. Self-loathing gets awfully dull after a while. And you learn that you aren't the worst thing about the world.

[Not his world, at least. Not by a long shot. And this is Norfinbury. Both of them are going to have to work pretty hard to be the worst thing about it.]